Being stuck in a victimhood is not a fun experience for me. It feels heavy, gloomy and purposeless. When I am there I forget how it feels on the other side. I forget that the other side exists. It feels like getting lost in a labyrinth, you take many turns hoping for an exit but finding a dead end instead.
I was pitying myself about a feedback I received recently. The feedback was spot on and direct. It hit right in the center of my heart. The very most thing I had been working tirelessly (it seems) to stay present, grounded and centered in my own being, had been reflected back to me as the opposite: not present but absent. From all the consciousness studies I have done, I knew I called in for that experience. Nonetheless, intellectual knowing was not helping me this time. Days and weeks passed by, I was stuck in the past of that experience, feeling angry, sad, lost, perplexed and confused. I felt blocked to see the gift of the experience. However, I was committed to uncover it. I pulled in all my practices and tricks I could think of: Byron Katie, CLG, Shadow work, meditation, journaling, breath, rest, intention. Through this process I realized, I can’t accelerate my growth based on my desire alone. It is an alchemical process, that goes through stages. Each stage is important and necessary.
First stage was the shock of the feedback. “How could this be happening to me?”. Then it was anger. “How dare this feedback was delivered to me, the way it was delivered?”. After that sadness came in: “I had been working so hard but still feels like I am back at square one”. Then confusion: what is it trying to teach me? How do I raise above this?
Then the specks of light started to come through the thick layer of confusion, some aha! moment that could actually reach my conscious understanding. With the help of a friend who reminded me of the light I have when I am fully empowered and in my body, I was able to connect back to my true self, to the one who loves Life and who trusts the infinite Wisdom within. With the help of another friend, I was able to connect with the aspect in me that needed to be integrated. The warrior woman, The Valkyrie that runs through my blood wants to be known, enabled and empowered within. She feels so familiar and so hot. She warms my body with incredible fire, ready to take on any challenge, her fire lives in my heart.
The last stage in this process is profound gratitude for the feedback given. That gratitude feels warm in the heart and healing for the mind.
Reflection: The ignited anger fueled me to continue on in my search for the treasure underneath the harsh packaging. I created this situation for my own good on the path of my growth. The jolt had to be strong enough for me to take on the momentum that would lead me to the finish line where I met my Warrior woman. How strong, powerful and sexy she is.