I had a “poor me” moment today. Started earlier in the morning when I reacted to my daughter’s struggle with homework. Upon self-reflection, I realized I was scared to be a bad parent. I was projecting into the future, what-if my daughter, who is struggling with homework, will not be able to finish all assignments, her teacher will judge her and me, this will create downstream effect into the later school years, she fails to become who she wants to be and turns into a struggling adult, trying to figure out how to get out of the matrix, she will be disappointed with life and with me as her mother. In my reactive state, I had my daughter’s future into her adult life planned out. How frightening! I got scared of something that is decades away. Funny enough, these thoughts are appearing during the historical moment of Covid-19’s global shut down. Ironically, now more than ever we don’t know what’s going to happen in the next week, let alone next decade.
Back to “poor me”. I feel below the line and scared because I don’t have enough time to spend more time meditating and doing various practices in my strive for self-healing, to understand the nature of human immortality and to reach enlightenment. There are countless interfering factors that come on a daily basis: kids, corporate job, house projects, etc. I don’t have enough time to be more committed to my goal.
Speaking of the goal, what is my goal? My goal is to live fully, peacefully and joyfully every moment. Hah! Instead, I find myself often too serious. I project into the future: what-if I don’t live my highest potential and instead get struck in repetitive self-destructing patterns of fear, anger and sadness? My future projections are pointing to a future different from my goal and they generate an entropy, disrupting and preventing me to reach my goal. In other words, my future projections is the link in the cycle that has to be interrupted and broken. And here I come to the full circle of understanding on a real life example of what all the consciousness teachers have been pointing out in my studies.
How to break the cycle?
Here are the steps I found useful thus far:
- Notice you are projecting.
- Pause, breath in and breathe out. Come to presence through breath.
- Accept you are being scared and look at yourself through the eyes of compassion.
- Recalibrate by reminding yourself: “This moment is here for my learning”.
- Search for the gift of it. (this may take more than a moment). Continue to look into it. Notice the emotions that arise.
- Be grateful.
- Reset, come back to your Faith and savour every moment of life.